Cover Up My Dear

quick now – cover up
don’t let them see those marks,
stupid girl, what have you done,
silly girl, you thought that was love?
now look at you, look what he’s done.
grab the make-up, put on a sweater;
now put on a smile, here’s the test.
how well can you fake it?
how long can you do it?
girl, what have you done,
there’s no love there darling,
tell them what you’ve seen.
how are you going to move,
oh you fell? no, oh no.
lies, he has made you lie?
what kind of man does that my dear
protection and security,
love and forever,
bruises and cuts,
scars and tears.
oh my darling what have you done?
will it last?
will you last?
break, shatter, fall apart,
what goes through his mind honey…
that’s not love, that is pain,
oh dear what have you done?
it’s been over a year now
he still has his wishes
what are you dear?
are you strong, a fighter?
are you angelic, a bloomer?
keep away, oh keep away,
it’s all a game for him.
give your heart to your knight,
let him guard you,
baby girl what have you done?
have you found a prince now?
stay close, oh get closer,
don’t let that boy go.
he is your chance, recovery.
healing and power,
let him save you.
that boy gives you hope,
that boy has sweetness in his kiss.
you can feel it when he holds you,
can’t you feel his heart?
now my dear you have no reason,
no reason at all to fall apart.

Flawless — what a joke.

Why has it felt so long since I’ve felt pretty? I thought about this earlier when a guy asked me why I wear makeup. I told him that it makes girls feel prettier when they wear it. But as I went through my day I realized how wrong I was… I wear makeup every single day…and I haven’t felt beautiful wearing it. I get more insecure in fact, because I worry about it smudging or being uneven.

I don’t really know what it is; what makes a girl pretty I mean. Are there certain traits I’m supposed to have? Long hair, pretty eyes, a skinny waist, flat stomach…I feel like I should look like a barbie doll. That’s not what I want though, I want to be me, I want to look like me. I don’t want to look totally flawless, I want my imperfections. 

The size of the jeans a girl wears does NOT determine her personality, her ability to love. Those jeans are just something she puts on when she leaves the house. A girls weight is the same thing. It doesn’t matter if are underweight or over, or somewhere in the middle, in the aspect of their beauty. 

So then why do I feel so horrible about myself sometimes? I tell every single girl that they’re beautiful because it’s true. Every female has some type of beauty in them, whether it be their body or just the color of their eyes. Why is convincing myself of that so difficult? It’s not like I have people coming up to me telling me I’m unattractive, and my self-esteem truly isn’t even low. 

It’s not that I stand in front of a mirror and see someone I don’t want to be, it’s that if you ask me if I think I’m pretty, I will answer no. It’s just something about that image, and I know it’s distorted in my mind because we’re talking about myself. It’s something messed up about girls, that we can’t see what other people see in us. Sometimes people see a light shining in us that we don’t even know is there. I wish us girls could feel the glowing…could feel us lighting up the world.

 

Give and Take

“Everything happens for a reason.” A common phrase with a strong controversy attached to it. Sometimes things happen and you don’t know why, and sometimes these things, big or small, can change your life for better or for worse. For me, this was no little thing. The death of a loved 15 year old boy is a very big thing. But this story isn’t about my grief over him, this is about strength and faith.

A lot of people skip church, as if the ceremony is worse then going to get shots at a doctor’s office. Some say it’s too early and they need their beauty sleep.  For me, I cannot think of something more beautiful than the church. I like to go to mass often, it’s like my escape from everything around me. Every stress, every deadline, every practice…it takes me away for at least an hour. It’s also where I met Sean.

A boy died a few months ago. A boy who was loved by all the students at Catholic Central, a boy who was considered a sweetheart by all the girls he encountered; number 33 on the football team, he was a respected athlete. Everyone wanted to be his friend, and nobody ever expected that one day they would wake up and realize they’d never get the chance to see him again…especially Sean.

“I saw him the Saturday before he died and I remember just waving goodbye to him. I went up to meet him at school that Monday and found out that I wouldn’t be seeing him that day, or the day after that, or ever…” Sean told the story to me for the first time over FaceTime, but this became a frequent conversation.  To him, I was like strength, I was a rock for him to lean against. I was like a constant in this unfair experiment filled with grief and tears.

What I had the most trouble convincing Sean of was that God had taken David away from us for a reason. That maybe God needed him, or maybe was protecting him from something he saw in David’s future. I told him “God gives and takes, he may take away some of the most important things in your life, but he always gives you something in return.”

Sean thought about this – we were having this conversation over FaceTime, my family was on a trip to Florida – and replied “God took away one of my closest friends, but gave me a girl to fall in love with instead.”  That’s when I realized what my whole purpose of being is. I’m here to build people up when they’re crumbling. Like a bird finding its wings, I found my reason of life. I could help people keep faith in God, and I could hold them up, catch them when they fall.

I was meant to be like the sunshine on a cloudy day, to give people a piece of light to hold onto until everything sorted itself out and their life got better. Nothing was more perfect than that moment. There couldn’t possibly be any greater feeling than being someone’s happiness. It’s truly amazing.

I went to church every Sunday with Sean. It was really hard for him when they brought up David’s name. He liked to tell me stories about when they would hang out; “like this one time, we went to Petco, and bought a fish. Then we went to Burger King and bought a Coke, and put the fish in it. We tried to complain and get another Coke but it didn’t work…” He would laugh when telling me this, and it was so great to see him smile.

During adoration – the worship of Jesus in his presence – Sean started to cry. As I sat there and held his hand, I thought about all the things God has taken from me; my dad moving across the country, the divorce, lost love, old friends. Then I saw all the things he’s given me; a loving family, two fathers that love me, a perfect mother, three step siblings that will always be there, Sean, all of my friends, and Jesus himself.

Life is like a game, but God is rooting for you, he’s like your number one fan. Everything does happen for a reason, and what you get is what you take out of everything that comes your way. I now know that I have to use every opportunity I get to make someone smile. Once you know what your purpose is, you have to work at it. It’s not always going to be easy, I’ve realized that part, but I simply cannot get over how amazing it is to be the sole reason that someone is smiling. That’s the real thing that God had given me.

I am meant to be strong, when others are weak. I have my own future, my own goals, but I’m involved in so many other people’s futures too. Just being that girl that smiles at you at the sidewalk to brighten up your day, that’s who I’m supposed to be.

The Confusing Gender — Why are Girls so Mean?

Girls: the gender than nobody understands. Girls hardly understand themselves, let alone other females. Like when we don’t agree on someone’s outfit, we talk about it, and it’s absolutely awful but we just do. We do that with pretty much everything… we talk so much about literally anything.

We’re also quite vicious. We tear apart other people, and if someone comes after us then we get over defensive and attack. Our attacks are ruthless, and there is nothing more hurtful then a girl bringing up something that had killed you in the past. Often, we push each other too far. Girls bring each other to tears, some guide each other into the wrong directions.

Depression has almost become a new fad for younger girls. For some reason, a multitude of girls are claiming to be “clinically depressed”, when they have never been near a therapist. But they pretend to show all the signs… the razor…the cuts…the burns…the welts from snapping rubber bands against their wrists. But the thing is, they show it all off. It’s very frustrating.

But back to the fighting. I will never truly understand what makes girls so insane. It’s like a mass of jealousy and hormones and anger all rolled into one giant ball, and it’s thrown at any girl that crosses the line. Any girl that dares to speak up. Any girl that decides to be strong.

Like what is it that makes us think that it is even remotely okay to pick apart a person over and over again until they finally break? Some people don’t just break, some people shatter into pieces and can’t rebuild. What do you do when you don’t know who you are anymore? You become nothing–and you become okay with being nothing.

Every girl is born with a shining star, and it’s supposed to be their choice whether they let it out or not. But more and more girls are getting that right taken away from them. Their shine is being ripped away from them and all they are left with is darkness. Surrounded by fake smiles and laughs given with half effort, they just roam through life without the purpose they were supposed to have.

Let them shine. Let each girl have her time to shine.

Love Addiction

You know that feeling when you don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but you know you’re feeling something? I get that a lot when I miss someone. There’s people in our lives who we’re literally addicted to talking to. To be honest, you might be addicted to them.

His touch when he runs his fingers up and down your arms while you fall asleep in his, his eyes when he looks deep into yours, his smile and his laugh when you do something silly, like dancing in front of him … his kiss after he tells you he loves you. I’m addicted to his actions, everything he does makes me happy. It’s comforting having someone there for you, having someone there to open up to and be yourself around.

Then there’s the words he says. Maybe people are right, that words don’t mean much, actions really show how he feels. But if someone says the meanest things to you, then takes you in their arms at night…that’s just not right. That’s not what makes a good relationship. Words mean a lot between to people. Falling asleep to their voice, when he tells you all the things he loves about you, and why you mean so much to him, it’s like the perfect lullaby. Going to sleep happy makes waking up every morning easier.

When you have all of these things every single day, it almost hurts when you can’t have them. When you can’t talk to them or when you have to go days without seeing them. You try to be productive and you try to keep on going but it doesn’t work out like you hope it will because you know something is missing. It’s always that one person. Isn’t it amazing how one single person can change your entire life?

Who the hell am I?

There are so many questions I’d like to ask myself, but I wouldn’t have an answer for any of them. So many mistakes I’d like to redo, so many moments I’d like to relive…but I can’t. There’s something about those two words….”I can’t”… the words you coach makes you condition for saying, the words your teachers prove you wrong on, they are the words of weakness and they translate into “I give up.” But you can’t give up in this situation, it’s just not possible to go back in time. That’s why we have a future, that’s why we don’t just stay in the same place our whole lives. We move forward in time to make new moments and fix the effects of our mistakes and do things how we want.

So what do you want? Can you tell me exactly what you want to happen in your life, every little thing? If you can, then I applaud you. I think what you may want depends on what type of person you are… but how do you know that? Who am I, who are you? Do we even get to choose who we are?  They’re all questions left unanswered. So I want to be a journalist, that doesn’t mean I’ll end up writing. I could end up being a lawyer for all I know. It’s hard to know that you might not get what you’ve been working so hard for, and sometimes it feels like fighting an uphill battle with yourself and everything around you.

What makes it worth the fight? Well I guess you’ll have to find out. You’ll see your results and hopefully look back in pride, hopefully you’ll catch a tear in your eye when everything comes flooding back on the work and emotion you’ve put in to everything you had done. Happiness will be strung along with your patience and kindness…at least that’s what we want right? Who am I to say that it will, I’m just a girl writing on a website, hoping people will read it and enjoy it.

However, I can tell you that you can’t fall behind in whatever you do. It could be something physical, or something emotional, such as keeping a relationship; even with a family member. My dad now lives in California…I still live in Michigan. It’ll take effort to keep up a relationship with him, they’ll be a lot more phone calls and a lot more plane flights, but in the end I know it will be worth it. I want that relationship with my dad, so I’ll put the work in for it.

My traits, my ethics, my work, my school, my friends, my family, and so much more… it makes me who I am.

Choice vs. Fate

Is it possible to get scared over something that has happened in the past? Like you make a mistake…you just mess something up really really badly in your past; lets say a couple months ago. Thinking back on it, you wonder how you could’ve changed things and what could’ve or should’ve happened. Then you start to get scared for what will happen in your future because of the mistake you made.

What could you have done to change it? If you had done something different…would anything have changed at all? Some think your future in inevitable, that whatever happens to you is because of fate, and you cannot change it. Then again, some say you decide what will happen to you. Your choices in life decide where you will go and how you will end up.

I believe in both. I believe that certain things are fate, such as soul mates (look in older posts for my opinion on those). I also believe that there are certain choices you make that affect your life and future, such as saying yes to that boy who asked you out, or smoking that last cigarette before your lungs give out.

It’s hard to decipher between the two; between Choice and Fate. It’s really difficult to think back on mistakes you’ve made, and sometimes it can be painful to know that you could have changed things, and it’s worse to think that possibly your life would be better if you had made a different choice.

Life is an impossible puzzle, it’s an unanswered question that nags at your brain until you go crazy. You can choose whether or not you kiss her, you can choose whether or not you take that pill, but you can’t choose when you die, you can’t choose who you end up with…they’re things that some force makes happen; whether it be Fate, or a God or something else… it’s sure to happen. It’s just life.